breaking news, these ideas are now cancelled:
- cultural appreciation
- being physically capable
- body language
- words themselves
going to the gym, building muscle, and having confidence used to be applauded. now it earns one the prefix of “toxic,” and is to be avoided. to be an “ally” requires a disgusting body type which (ironically) no female wants to touch.
while race is still immutable (good), the other once-innate characteristic, gender, is now fluid. you may identify as a man, woman, or alien. “boys will be boys” assumes pronouns, thus is transphobic.
at my grade school’s cafeteria, Taco Day and Pizza Day were a treat. now they are cultural appropriation. in NYC, white people are not allowed to open a Chinese restaurant. this is racist. (although it is perfectly fine for a Chinese person to open a burger restaurant; simple calculus duh)
being physically capable
although most physically handicapped people seem to not let their ailments get in the way of their life, Thoughtful Liberal Women have determined that even hustling is hateful; a form of ableism.
a non-scientific study by me found that everyone with a flag emoji in their Twitter bio is conservative, therefore racist. global citizen is now the only acceptable form of pride in one’s origin.
one of our generation’s funniest comedians, Dave Chapelle, went too far in his Netflix special with a metaphorical joke involving gay, trans, and straight people in a car together.
seventeen critics decided his words are “violent” and definitely not funny. millions of audience members are too stupid to understand.
“whitelist” and “blacklist” as terms to describe permissions are now racist. the technical acronym “PoC” (proof of concept) is also racist, and perhaps even homophobic. free speech is dead. long live hate speech.
the closest thing to “fair” is equal application of the law, but evidently that is also not fair. if you haven’t achieved everything you wanted, it is someone else’s fault. for sure. and the government should intervene on your behalf.
if you want to murder a defenseless child, “your body is your choice.” but if you want to eat, say, a burger, it better be filled with estrogen. turns out steak and almond milk — not terrorists with nuclear weapons — will end the world.
how did this happen?
the rules above were created by the Tolerant Left, a tribe of social justice activists that fantasize about putting people like me in gulags. it’s impossible to identify them by their physical appearance but spiritually they are often atheist, depressed, and full of hatred.
someone smarter than me once said that the Left depends on a “villain” in order to survive. if there is no shared enemy, they lose the power to unite others around a shared cause. and with the rate at which our world keeps improving, these causes are harder and harder to find.
let’s review just 4 of the world’s biggest problems, each in rapid decline.
world poverty is plummeting
literacy is skyrocketing
infant mortality rate is dropping
average lifespan has doubled
humans are richer, smarter, and living longer than ever before. and we are doing it by working together, innovating, and respecting one another’s differences.
this is all bad news for the Leftist narrative, however, which depends on us believing we are helpless without intervention from The Man. who is definitely Much Smarter than us, and should decide what jokes are funny and what food is OK to consume.
ergo our present state: a fuss about nothing, because everything is amazing.
when does it end?
i do not know, dear reader. i will probably be dead before i’m thrown in a gulag, but i can’t say the same for my next-of-next-of kin.
the Thought Police get stronger every day, willing themselves into positions of power with riots, boycotts, and fake news.
we like to think Truth prevails, but unfortunately dear reader, Truth is also now cancelled. it hurts too many feelings.
how to cope
first, subscribe to Hanlon’s Razor: never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
next, acknowledge that your life and your success and your happiness depend on you. only you. specifically, how you choose to let neurons fire between your ears.
finally, don’t be silent about what you believe in. by writing, talking, thinking, joking, debating, going on a carnivore diet, or respecting biological differences between men and women, you are fighting back. not with violence, but with peace.
the Left will never win, so long as there is no enemy.